When you picture golf, jokes aren’t the first thing that come to mind; it can be a serious sport. Every shot is thought through, every club is carefully chosen; the stance as you prepare to make your swing, the intensity of that gaze down the fairway, it’s not exactly known for its humour. But sometimes golf jokes are exactly what you need.
As with any sport, things often don’t go to plan and golf isn’t any different. There are certain situations that just lend themselves to humour; you might get stuck in a bunker, or your alignment might be wrong, your grip might not be quite right, or your swing just isn’t…swinging.
There’s even some science behind it! Laughter and humour releases endorphins – our body’s natural mood enhancers, and it also lowers cortisol and adrenaline (the stress hormones). One session of laughter can lower cortisol by 37%, so humour in a stressful situation encourages our body to relax, which can then make challenges feel, well, less challenging!
So, with this in mind, and because here at The Insurance Emporium we love a cheesy pun, we’ve got 45 of the most tee-rific golf jokes; we hope you don’t fore-get them, because we think our jokes are definitely the best by par!
CLASSIC ONE LINERS
1. Why did the golf ball break up with the club? It felt like it was always being driven away!
2. Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddie: “Yes, you miss the hole closer than you used to!”
3. What did the caddie say to the golfer who forgot his putter? “Looks like you’ll be driving to the hole!”
4. Why do golfers carry a spare pair of trousers? In case they get a hole-in-one!
5. Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100.” Friend: “Try heaven first. You’ve already moved most of the earth!”
6. What did the golf ball say to the golfer? “You’re driving me crazy!”
7. Why did the golfer take a ladder to the course? Because he heard the greens were elevated!
8. What’s a golfer’s favourite kind of music? Swing music, of course!
9. What do you call a golfer who never misses a shot? A liar!
10. Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.
11. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.
12. Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play other sports.
13. Where do you find a golfer on Saturday night? Still at the 19th hole explaining how good they ‘could have’ played.
14. Golfer: “The doctor says I can’t play golf.” Caddie: “Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?”
15. It takes a serious amount of balls to golf like I do.
16. Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf? On a golf corpse.
17. What did Master Yoda say when Luke sliced the ball onto the next fairway over? “May the ‘Fores’ be with you…”
18. Why don’t grasshoppers play golf? They like cricket better.
19. What do you call a lion playing golf? Roarin’ Mcllroy
20. Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course? He was perfecting his swing.
21. How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
22. What type of beard is best for a golfer? A goatee.
23. What car does a golfer’s assistant drive? A Caddie-lac.
24. What is a golfer’s favourite sandwich? Peanut putter and jelly.
25. What do you get when you cross a person living in a monastery with a short golf shot? A chip monk.
26. What do you get when you cross a golf ball that lands in a pond with a Deep Purple song? Stroke on the water.
27. What area of the fairway is a dog’s favourite? The ruff.
28. Why don’t bears use caddies? Because they like to hold their own cubs.
29. What do you get when you cross a cereal-box character with one of golf’s all-time greats? Tony the Tiger Woods.
30. Which British actor uses only metal golf clubs? Jeremy Irons.
31. Who do you get when you cross a curving golf shot with a rapper? Vanilla Slice.
32. What did the golfers say to their friend who held the club improperly? Get a grip!
33. What kind of patterned sweaters do pirates wear on a golf course? Argh-yle!
LONGER JOKES
34. Two golfers are ready to tee off on the 11th hole when a Hearse and funeral procession passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the procession passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”
“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
35. A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
36. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him down, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
37. The new golfer was a determined, if not very proficient, player. At each swipe he made at the ball, earth flew in all directions.
“Gracious me,” he exclaimed red-faced to his caddie, “the worms will think there’s an earthquake.”
“I don’t know,” replied the caddie, “the worms round here are very clever. I’ll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety.”
KNOCK, KNOCK JOKES
38. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
I’d cry, too, if I played golf like you.
39. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amy.
Amy who?
Amy for the fairway – not the woods.
40. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen’t anyone repair their divots anymore?
41. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah golf pro who can fix your swing?
42. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda how deep your ball is in the lake
43. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe hit one straight this time?
44. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie one know how many branches your golf ball hit as it entered the woods?
45. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tahiti.
Tahiti who?
Tahiti hole in one, you need to hit the golf ball straight.
So, there we are, who knew golf could be so much fun? We hope you’ll think about these jokes if you’re having a bad day out on the fairway, and share them with your golfing buddies, and if they’re not your cup of tee, then you’ll just have to green and bear it and hopefully you’ll fore-give us.
Before we out-pun ourselves, remember that while humour can take away some of the stress, golf insurance gives you an extra level of reassurance. You can give yourself the peace of mind of knowing you could be covered if the unexpected were to happen; your golf ball damaging someone’s property, for example, or your golf equipment being stolen.
We have three policy types that you can tweak to make sure you have the policy that suits you, your game and your budget. Take a look at the website, or give us a call for a free, no-strings quote today.
All content provided on this blog is for informational purposes only. We make no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this site or found by following any link on this site. We will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. We will not be liable for any loss, injury, or damage arising from the display or use of this information. This policy is subject to change at any time.
We offer a variety of cover levels, so please check the policy cover suits your needs before purchasing. For your protection, please ensure you read the Insurance Product Information Document (IPID) and policy wording, for information on policy exclusions and limitations.
