We’re slap bang in the middle of wedding season, the bridesmaids have been chosen, the venue’s booked and all that needs to happen now is the stag/hen do. Hen parties seem to have become more elaborate over the years, with many involving weekends away and even foreign travel. In 2024 Google searches for ‘hen do destinations in Europe’ rose by 300%, with Benidorm being the most popular choice abroad, and Liverpool being number one in the UK.
But what if the thought of a fun-filled day/evening/weekend fills you with horror? What if you have a few weddings this summer and have already forked out loads of money? (In 2024 the average cost of a hen party, per person, was £250, before you factor in the wedding itself – new outfits, travel, presents, hair, drinks etc).
What if big social gatherings aren’t your thing? Or you have childcare issues, or a prior commitment? There’s a lot of pressure involved in a hen night – pressure to drink a lot and have the most amazing time, never mind the stress of the WhatsApp group chat, the logistics of finding a date/venue that everyone agrees on, the matching t-shirts and the dilemma of whether or not to go for the ‘novelty’ straws…
But we’re here to take some of the stress away from what is supposed to be a really happy event, so read on and find out how you can say no to something without upsetting anyone; we’ve even thrown in some suggestions of what to say.
TIPS FOR POLITELY DECLINING
It’s never easy letting someone down; a lot of us find it hard to say no to things and worry about hurting someone’s feelings, especially if the person who’s invited you has been at your own significant events. We also worry about what other people think, or we might feel like we’re missing out. But it’s important to maintain your boundaries, so here are some tips for declining.
1. BE HONEST AND DIRECT
Whatever your reasons for not going, it’s much better to be straightforward, this way there’ll be no misunderstandings. So don’t try to break it to them gently; for example, ‘I’ll see if I can make it, but I may have to work…’ because chances are they’ll know what’s coming and respect you more for just being upfront.
That’s not to say that you can’t still handle it sensitively and with kindness. Now you’re going to hate this next part but – don’t do it by text! That can feel very impersonal so either meet them in person or give them a call, then just get straight to the point.
2. THANK THEM FOR INVITING YOU
This might seem a bit obvious but this occasion is a big deal to them so it’s important to acknowledge that and show that you get the significance of the event. This may the seventh hen night you’ve been invited to, but to them this is their one (hopefully) big day so it’s also a good idea to make it clear that your decision not to come is not about the event itself, but your own situation.
3. MAKE PLANS TO SEE THE BRIDE ANOTHER TIME
Make it clear that while you can’t join them for their hen do, you’d really like to celebrate in some way with them, so offer to take them out for lunch/afternoon tea/a spa day etc.
4. OFFER TO TAKE PART IN OTHER WAYS
- Offer to pay for a round of drinks or buy a bottle of bubbly for the bride.
- Send a gift to the venue; for example, cupcakes or a hamper.
- Offer to buy some decorations or games.
- If there’s a scrapbook you could write in that beforehand, or you could send something in for a bride quiz or just send a note that can be read out, something personal about the bride.
- If it’s local, could you join them for part of it? Go to the bottomless brunch then head off before they start the evening part? Join them for lunch the next day?
5. ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS
Most people are understanding about this kind of thing, especially if you’re upfront with them as soon as you know you’re not planning on going, but it may come as a surprise and they’re probably going to be disappointed. Acknowledge this and let them know how much you value your friendship. It’s also worth remembering that people get very stressed in the run up to a wedding, so cut them some slack if it feels like they’re taking it badly. While this might be one of many in a long list of hen dos this month, this is their big day and they’ve invested a lot of time and money into it.
SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO TELL THEM
“Thanks for inviting me but I won’t be able to make it, I hope you have the best time and I look forward to hearing all about it.”
“Thanks for the invite. Listen, it’s been a tough year for me financially so I’m not going to be able to afford to come, but it sounds like you have a great night/weekend planned and I hope you all have an amazing time.”
“Thanks so much for the invite, I’m not really comfortable in big groups of people, especially when I don’t know many people, so I’ll give it a miss. But I hope you have a fantastic night.”
“Thanks so much for thinking of me, this kind of thing really isn’t for me, but I hope you all have a fab time and I’m looking forward to the wedding.”
“Thanks for the invite, I won’t be coming but here’s £** to put in the kitty. Have a brilliant time and take lots of photos!”
“How lovely, thank you. I’m no good at these kinds of events and tend to want to go home early, but I’d really like to take you out for a fancy lunch to celebrate instead. How about (suggest a date)?”
“I’m really honoured you invited me but I won’t be able to make it. It sounds amazing though and I hope you all have a lovely time. I look forward to seeing the photos!”
Whatever your reasons for not going, it will be received much better if you’re open, honest and genuine; this way your friend will see that you still care about them and their wedding is important to you.
Another way to show you care is to remind them to have a look at specialist wedding insurance. The run up to a wedding can be stressful so anything that can take away just a bit of that is a good thing, and with various levels of cover to choose from, there should be a policy to suit most brides and budgets. Have a look at the website or call for a free, no-strings quote today.
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